Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
