why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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