you guys were way drunker than both of me
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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