Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
