im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
You pole danced in your parka.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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