How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize