Cold hands, warm shart.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
