Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
