i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
