I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Randomize
