Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
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