She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Never joke about your clitoris.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
