Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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