They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
