My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
