Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
