I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize