I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
