why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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