don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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