Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
