If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
