he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
