if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
