The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
