dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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