My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
