Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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