My Higher Power is John Stamos
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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