Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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