Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
He felt like a one man threesome
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
