Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Houston, we have a blender
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
