Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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