My cat gives me a boner
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
