Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
We left the knife in your bed.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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