There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
