mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
