Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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