so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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