I think I won the penis lottery.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
lol hangovers are for mortals.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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