Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize