my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
