i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
