My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
you will always have a special place in my vag
Mom said you looked used
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
