I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
