we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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