Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
