I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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