hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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