yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
