Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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