The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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