when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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