I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
