At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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