I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
