i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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