i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
