Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
